I want to write a recap of Sunday's NFL action. I truly do. But my brain won't allow me because all of its neurons have been permanently stained by this image:
Really, coach? Your team is 0-2 with its season on the line, and that's what you roll out to the sidelines with? That's the look of a leader that's going to direct his team to victory? That looks like the kind of shirt you'd find in the Slightly Defective section of a Wal-Mart...in Tijuana. That looks like something my grandad would wear (minus the pants, of course) while sitting in a recliner with a can of Schlitz in his hand. I don't want to run through a wall for that guy. I'm barely able to motivate myself to listen to his stories in hopes that I can make it in his will. I can't remember anything else about the game or the final score, but I know at first glimpse that the guy in that picture most definitely lost.
I understand that it was a throwback day and choices were limited. And yeah, it's a little strange to wear a throwback to remind a city that you stole their team (are the Ravens going to wear Browns uniforms later this season*?). But still, if that's what the league wants you to do, then how about this look:
Now, that's throwback. Dress like that and you can beat anyone. Well, anyone but the Steelers.
(Jeff Fisher photo credit: Bill Kostroun/AP via espn.com)
While many people count unpredictability as one of college football's most appealing traits, there are some things that you can rely upon as certainties each season. As sure as the leaves changing colors and Brent Musberger referencing point spreads, you can depend on an overhyped Cal Bears team to collapse as soon as they're placed in a showcase game. They are the Pac-10's version of the Clemson Tigers- a team that is perenially listed among the 'sleepers' that are ready for a breakout season and is given a boost by those same writers into the AP top 10. And yet, just as soon as their fans start thinking that maybe this year will be different than other years, the team falls apart in epic fashion. This year, it was the Oregon Ducks that had the honors, demolishing Cal, 42-3, in a game that the Bears had given up on by halftime. Now, their exposure as a fraud will somehow be used to indict the entire Pac-10 as being overrated, even tho it was another Pac-10 team that took Cal down. Ahhh, such are the joys of investing so much emotion in a sport that determines its champion via popularity contest.
Cal wasn't the only highly ranked team to go down in defeat this weekend. College fans around the country once again owe Iowa a huge debt of gratitude for sparing a weary nation from a Penn State appearance in a National Championship game. Hopefully, we can go another year without having to watch a Big 10 team roll over in a BCS title game. Unfortunately, fans can't rest too easily just yet, as so many top 10 teams already have a "1" in the loss column that a team that lost early, Ohio State, could sneak back into things.
Another one loss team whose BCS dreams have been revitalized is the Notre Dame Fighting Holtzes, who rallied to beat Purdue in a rare game in which Charlie Weis wasn't the worst coach in the stadium. That honor went to Purdue head man Danny Hope who upon seeing a frenzied Notre Dame scurrying to the line to spike the ball, opted to call a timeout to save their opponent a down and give them an opportunity to draw up two plays to win the game. When Notre Dame is cashing their BCS check for 17 mil, they should be sure to send something nice over to West Lafayette.
Miami went into Blacksburg and showed that they aren't quite back to being "Tha U" just yet. But it wasn't really much of a shocker, because I don't think people really expected them to return to elite status in one year. This kind of thing is a process. To put it in terms that Miami fans will understand: it's like when your players are runnin' trains on coeds. At first, maybe they can snag a coed in a quad somewhere. Start playing better, and they might just get one will go into the lobby with you. That's about where they're at right now. But they'll get to that 7th floor. Just give them time.
Elsewhere in the state of Florida, Gator fans briefly feared the worst when football Messiah, Tim Tebow, was laying motionless on the turf after receiving a blow to the back of his head at the end of a vicious sack. Tebow now finds himself in a hospital bed, but football announcers across the country expect him to rise again in three days.
so, let's see...I don't update the site for six months and then my first post back features Adolf Hitler- and one in which Hitler's rant makes sense, at that. Yeah, this return is going to be a roaring success.
Every time that UCLA advances a round, I will post a set of unpublished photos of the UCLA Dance and/or Cheer teams. Hopefully, this will give undecided fans a reason to root for the Bruins.
This was almost the shortest recurring feature of all time. But fortunately, UCLA managed to pull out a one point victory over VCU and will advance to the 2nd round. So with that, I send this offering to the gods of basketball karma:
There were roughly 12,600 live blogs of the NCAA tournament Thursday. But just in case you haven't gotten your fill of commentary, here are my thoughts about the first day of action from the hoops orgy:
There is an interesting phenomenon surrounding Greg Gumbel. There's absolutely nothing special about him, but everytime you hear his voice, you know something special is about to happen. That is unless, he's about to invite Seth Davis into a conversation.
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One of the hidden benefits of being on the west coast at tourney time- it's completely acceptable to drink at 9:20 on a weekday morning. Being surrounded by tvs and booze at a local bar is the next best thing to actually being in an arena. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it to best locale to combine alcohol and tvs- a Vegas sportsbook. Bob Knight, however, did make the trek out to Vegas to co-host a show with Billy Packer. So far, it doesn't look like the city has been too kind to him.
Maybe Packer stole his sunscreen so that he could approach coeds on spring break and offer to apply lotion to their backs. (Try to get that image out of your head.)
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Jim Calhoun went to the hospital and was unable to coach the team Thursday night. But why is in the hospital? Why can't any of these reporters tell me? Hey CBS: Get some facts and come back and see me!
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CBS had a human interest piece prepared about CSUN reserve Michael Lizarraga, who is believed to be the first deaf player to play in the NCAA tournament. This kind of story is the perfect filler to keep the audience engaged during a blowout. Only problem is that the Matadors failed to cooperate and gave Memphis quite a scare; and actually led with 10 minutes to go in the game. The Tigers finally made their run, but by the time the game was out of reach, CBS was almost out of time and they had to rush in the story in the final minutes. In fact his interpreter received about as much camera time as he did. If the interpreter is available, perhaps she could confirm what I'm pretty sure I saw at the end of the game:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm fairly certain that Calipari congratulated CSUN head coach Bobby Braswell by telling him, "You guys played your balls off." If you're Braswell, how do you even respond to a used car salesman talking about your team's collective balls? I know it's intended to be a compliment, but I can't even figure out how working hard would result in the loss of ones balls. And if it is a possible consequence, then lord knows I need to continue to avoid hard work. I've rewatched the clips a few times thinking that maybe it was actually "You guys played your butts off," because that would be, ya know, an actual expression. But it looks like balls to me, and I find that tough to swallow.
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During the later portion of the Washington/Mississippi State game, Kevin Harlan reminded the audience that "in this shot clock era" there was still a chance for a comeback. The shot clock era began 24 years ago- I think we're well adjusted to it by now. Still it could have been worse. At least Harlan didn't start talking about how the game has changed since the darkies were allowed onto the court.
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What could have possibly made State Farm execs think that ripping off the annoying Mercury Insurance campaign would be a good idea.? We get it: all insurance companies are dishonest charlatans who can't be trusted to do as much as wash your car. But it's the law that I need insurance, so you've got me over the barrel...just like a good neighbor. Well played, State Farm.
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Coeds in bikinis are usually a great thing. But band members in bikinis? Dicey. VCU decided to take on the challenge. The results depend on how drunk you are at the time:
Wait- the one chick plays the flute. That is definitely worth some bonus points. "This one time, at band camp..."
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Western Kentucky held off a furious rally from Illinois to complete their upset bid in the last game of the night. The victory was sealed when the Hilltoppers managed to burn almost all of the clock by passing the ball around and over defenders, thereby preventing Illinois from fouling them. Kevin Harlan described this as W. Kentucky playing a game of "dodge ball." I'm pretty sure he meant "keep away," but I like his idea better. It seems like more fun. Especially if some Duke players are involved.
Pac-10 champion Washington had little trouble dispatching Mississippi State, 71-58, tonight. However, Venoy Overton might not remember the score...or where he is:
This season, the one word that best describes UCLA's performance is "inconsistent." The Bruins started the year ranked in the top 5 in preseason polls. Perhaps this was an unfair expectation given the losses of Kevin Love, Luc Richard Mbah a Mote, and Russell Westbrook (however Memphis and Kansas lost their key players and have recovered nicely). After 30+ games, it's still hard to know exactly what to expect from the team. A run into the elite 8 wouldn't be out of the question, but neither would a first round loss at the hands of VCU.
However far UCLA advances, they'll have to do it all on the East coast. Like any successful team, UCLA is one that people love to hate, so they should expect a hostile crowd in Philadelphia. Actually "hostile" is pretty much the norm for a Philly crowd regardless of who's playing. But for those without any allegiances, there is one very good reason to root for the Bruins. This is the final season for most, if not all, of the members of the UCLA Dance Team. So when the Bruins lose, we all lose. Here's an idea of what they bring to the table:
This Thursday, cheer for the Bruins (and a lot of TV timeouts). As an added bonus, each time that UCLA advances a round in the tournament, I'll post a gallery of previously unpublished photos from this season. So go ahead and cheer for UCLA. Your brackets are busted anyway.
Earlier today, Arizona lost to Arizona State for the third time this season. The 68-56 defeat gives the Wildcats five losses in their last six games and seemed to put Arizona's chances of making the NCAA tournament in serious jeopardy. That is at least, until the following news was broken:
I like the idea. I'm pretty sure I still have one year of eligibility remaining; and I've always wanted to give bartending school a try. Now, I just need to partner with an LA pole dancing class for some cheerleaders and I'm set.
The sports trading card industry has been dying a long, slow death. Anyone who thought they were going to retire with a closet full of Gregg Jefferies and Ken Griffey Jr rookie cards can tell you that. (Although right now, those cards might be worth more than their 401k.) Ever since Michael Eisner bought Topps in 2007, he's been looking for a way to make cards relevant again. Given his entertainment background, he's making the same move that desperate franchises like Friday the 13th and Amityville made. He's going 3-D. Hitting stores today will be Topps 3D Live, a set of baseball cards that seem like standard cards at first, but when held up to a webcam, will spring to virtual life:
Kind of cool, in a "Star Wars chess game" kind of way. But this series is marketed towards kids who won't have that sense of nostalgia; and it's hard to envision kids wanting to press "N" to throw a pitch at a target when they could they pick up their Wii Super Slam Bat and take a few hacks themselves.
So that just leaves adult men as potential buyers. But these packs are priced at two bucks a pop, and even in this economy, collectors believe that if they're going to get a 50 cent card, they want to pull it from a $100 pack. Still, I could see these filling a niche role for guys. For anyone with a webcam in their cubicle, these players could serve as a great little time-killer during conference calls. Also, these cards could be a big hit in the home of Yankees fans, who could get undressed, put their Derek Jeter card on the webcam, and finally fulfill all of those fantasies with the captain of their hearts. Just beware of virtual herpes.
Hmmm...maybe these virtual cards do have some potential. But rather than picking up a pack of Topps, I'm going to have to wait for Benchwarmer to license the technology.
