UCLA Football is the Land of the Misfits

After an exhaustive search which included such names as "Jim Harbaugh's brother," "that guy from Temple," and "the guy that plays the coach in Friday Night Lights," UCLA has finally found themselves a head coach:



The Neuheisel hiring makes sense. In Westwood, the most important event of the year is March Madness. Might as well have a football coach that feels the same way.

Jingle My Bells

Merry Christmas, all.



I hope you found what you wanted under the tree.

Let's All Go To The Movies

The daughter of Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips will be belly dancing on the big screen today, and amazingly, that's actually a good thing. In Charlie Wilson's War, Tracy Phillips plays Carol Shannon, a belly dancer from Texas who accompanies Wilson and seduces an Egyptian defense minister. There are brief glimpses of her scene in this trailer:



She's in the shadows mostly, but even still, she sure looks better than Julia Roberts these days. It's really hard to believe that Wade Phillips was able to produce a daughter that looks like this:

It's enough to make you think that this whole genetics things is a fraud. Either that, or that coach's wives have a lot of free time during the season.

(Update: Turns out that With Leather was on this story a week ago. They even used the same pic. I guess that's what I get for trying to spend time outdoors with real live breathing people. Lesson learned.)

It's Starting To Smell Like Old Tuna Around Here

Congratulations, Miami- the man who in his most recent draft selected Bobby Carpenter, Anthony Fasano, Jason Hatcher and Skyler Green with his first four picks is now doing the grocery shopping for your ballclub. Hold on. He hasn't changed his mind yet, has he? Maybe Mort can give us the scoop on this one? Mort? Mort?... I think Mort has hung himself with one of Chris Berman's ties.

But this hiring isn't bad news for everyone. Keyshawn Johnson now has a spot waiting at wide receiver again (you'll know it's true when he denies it on tv). Maurice Carthon can get his old coordinator job back (maybe even head coach!), even if he doesn't know how to "coordinate," per se. This also works out for the Dallas Cowboys, as they are now looking to sign Richie Anderson so they can package him with Terry Glenn and Jason Ferguson as part of an offseason deal for Miami's #1 overall pick. If Parcells were to agree to give up the #1 pick to Dallas so they could acquire Darren McFadden, it would be the 2nd best contribution he'll have made to the organization. The best thing he did for that team was leaving it.

The good news for Dolphins fans is that this team has nowhere to go but up. If they're really lucky, maybe Parcells can somehow convince Scott Pioli (his son in-law) to leave the Patriots and join him in Miami. This would have a double impact of giving Miami a really good personnel guy while weakening their conference rival. Heck, maybe Miami can get New England's "videographer" too?

Parcells' tenure in Miami should play out in one of two ways. The likely scenario is that Miami continues to struggle for the next two years, and Parcells retires once again, citing health reasons or a need to spend time with his family. But if Miami actually shows a substantial improvement over the next two years and appears to be on the brink of being a bona fide contender, then expect Parcells to fire whoever the head coach is so that he can assume the reins of the team just as they're peaking.

In other words, he'll do exactly what Pat Riley did with that other Miami team.

Sorry Miami, but I think can consider yourselves sucked.

Words Fail Me. Pictures Never Do

The Wooden Classic was played over the weekend, and since it was a few days ago, here's a quick refresher on the action from that day. The Bruins dance team came out wearing their jersey tops (a fan favorite) but elected to wear pants instead of shorts and knee high socks. As a result, UCLA struggled early. At halftime, the girls changed into their blue dresses with the high slits, and it was the Bruins' game from that point on. I think some guys scored some baskets too, but my camera doesn't really have much evidence of that:

Hopefully Michael Will Stick to the Watermelon

The only reason to watch MNF last night would have been if you had fantasy players active in that game. Although if you had a fantasy roster that included players from the Saints and Falcons, your season was probably screwed a long time ago anyway. So assuming you found other things to do, you missed Arthur Blank's enlightened view on second chances:



Uh oh. Sounds like Mr. Blank has been reading too many encyclopedias lately:



...As for the rest of the game, check out the commentary from NFL Adam over at The Hater Nation. I couldn't have written it drunker myself.

This Dog Won't Hunt No More

Michael Vick was sentenced to 161 dog months in federal prison today, and I fully expected Michael David Smith- aka the blog world's version of Skip Bayless- over at the AOL FanHouse to come up with at least 10 useless posts on the event. But I guess he's too busy trying to fabricate a controversy out of a few drunken Englishmen booing the national anthem during a prize fight in Las Vegas, so it's up to me to pick up the slack in the uselessness department. Fortunately, I'm up to the task.

As you can see by the image here, it was a pretty grim scene in the courthouse for Vick today. Although judging by his attire, I'm not sure if he was convicted of dogfighting or stealing everyone's cheeseburgers ("Don't take burgers, robble, robble.") Or maybe he's being shipped off to a 1920s chain gang to do his time? That would actually work out for him as if he were to make a run for it, he wouldn't have to worry too much about being caught. Even if the guards were to release bloodhounds on him, the dogs would just look at each other like, "are you crazy? Do you know what that guy does to dogs? I like my life too much. How 'bout I just sit hear and sniff some butts for awhile?)

Regardless, it's fair to say that whatever Michael Vick paid his team of attorneys, he got ripped off. Master P has negotiated better deals for players. He would have been far better off taking those millions and donating it to the Republican National Committee. Then all of the evidence against him would have been mysteriously destroyed and Vick's case would be tabled in pursuit of issues of greater national concern. Like say, tracking down those drunken boo-ers and sending them to Guantanemo Bay.

So anyway, I wonder what the topic of conversation will be during tonights Saints-Falcons game?

Do You Believe In Miracleth?

One of Lou's pep talks finally worked. Not for college football, but rather for the Knicks.



Maybe when New York finally gets around to firing Isiah, they'll offer the job to Lou Holtz? He can't do any worse.

...Also in announcing news, Gus Johnson and Kenny Smith were paired up on the MSG broadcast of the game. After Johnson noted at the end of the 1st quarter that the fans booed the team as they went to the bench but then immediately cheered when the Knicks dancers took the court, Smith had this gem:

"The fans are angry. They're not stupid."