You might not know what he's talkin' about. Starwood might not know what he's talkin' about. But his boys...his boys know.

Those who stay in Westins or Sheratons for business travel, vacations, or illicit affairs (tho if you're in the last category, you're overpaying. Motel 6 works fine for that) are given an opportunity to use their accumulated travel points to bid on "once in a lifetime" events. One of the items up for bid is a private basketball clinic with Joakim Noah. Starwood has the details:

Jump for a rare chance to shoot hoops with Chicago superstar Joakim Noah. Better bring your game, because you and nine friends could hit the court with Joakim for a private basketball clinic. Then put your knowledge and skills to the test with a shoot-around or pickup game following the clinic. We suggest you pick #13 for your team first.

This event would be better if one of your nine friends happened to be Ben Wallace and you got to watch them settle the score with each other. But even if Big Ben isn't your best bud, it's still not a bad prize. Not only do you learn a little bit about basketball, like "it's a lot easier to win when you've got Al Horford in the low block with you," but much like a clinic with coach K, you're not just learning about basketball. You're learning about life. During a day with Joakim you'll be given so much more. Hopefully, it isn't herpes. But perhaps, dancing lessons?



Then if things are really going well, sometime during the game, Joakim might be willing to give you a piggyback ride:



And hey, maybe during the clinic, you can teach Noah how to hit a jumper outside of 12 feet. Accomplish that miraculous feat, and you just might walk out of the clinic as the new head coach of the Chicago Bulls.

Labels: NBA, Sometimes When You Win You Actually Lose

This Sunday at 12:30 pst, the Utah Jazz will host the Los Angeles Lakers in the fourth, and quite possibly last, game of their series. During that time, Jazz owner and Latter Day Saint Larry Miller and I will have something in common. Neither of us will be watching the game. Larry Miller won't be in his courtside seat because he will be out on the road contemplating his spirituality, whereas I will be out having brunch with my mother in-law. Advantage: Miller.

This development is nothing new, (although it has been a few years since it's been an issue) as Miller has chosen for quite some time not to attend home playoff games on Sundays, believing that non-spiritual activities should be avoided that day. If that's how Miller believes he should honor his faith, then that's fine. We live in a society where we're free to follow the teachings of Joseph Smith, L. Ron Hubbard, Jesus, or anyone else who had a way with words. (And if I published blog posts more often, perhaps I'd have a few followers of my own.) I just wish that if Larry Miller really believed in not performing non-spiritual activities on Sundays, that he went all the way through with it. While he might not be attending the game, as an owner, he is still conducting business and profiting on the Lord's day.

If Larry Miller were really committed to his religion, then game tickets on Sundays should be free and beer should be sold at cost. That's some spiritual enlightenment that everyone can support. Well, except for any Mormons in attendance who couldn't actually drink the beer. In their consideration, root beer will be a quarter.

Also, I'd advise Larry Miller to avoid attending game 3 tonight too. Sure it's a Friday night, but if he felt compelled to ban Brokeback Mountain from his movie theaters because its content offended his religious sensibilities, then he's really going to be offended by what he sees on the court tonight. If the first two games of this series are any indicator, then Kobe Bryant is going to treat Matt Harpring like a starstruck room service attendant who stays for an extra tip. I've never actually read the Book of Mormon, but I'm pretty sure it says somewhere in the Book of Nephi that thou shalt not enter heaven through the back door. Or something like that.

Labels: Armchair Deity, LA Lakers

Most college students spend their spring break in beach cities, drinking, partying, and having pictures taken that will eventually resurface on the internet. Florida QB Tim Tebow is not your ordinary college student. He spent his spring break touring impoverished villages in the Philippines as part of his family's "Gain Salvation, Lose Your Foreskin" missionary work.

More than 250 people underwent medical and dental procedures, some of them from "Dr. Tebow," who has no formal surgical training.

"The first time, it was nerve-racking," he said. "Hands were shaking a little bit. I mean, I'm cutting somebody. You can't do those kinds of things in the United States. But those people really needed the surgeries. We needed to help them."...

Tebow helped with the last few circumcisions, growing more comfortable with each one.

"I got a kick watching him," Bob Tebow said. "He did a great job, and he didn't look really nervous. I wouldn't let him cut on me, but he did well and helped where there was a need."

I wouldn't let him cut on me...but some poor, foreign kids? Why the hell not? I'm a little disappointed that Tebow even had to use a scalpel. I would have thought that the Heisman winner would have only needed to scowl at the penises and the foreskin would have leapt off in fright.

Making the boys more presentable for future work in porn wasn't the only task at hand for the mission. After locals heard a brief Christian sermon, they were given a physical, had any cysts or rotten teeth removed, and were given needed much medical supplies. The demand for their services was so great that the mission had to turn away roughly 50 people at sundown. By the end of the day, most villagers returned home a little healthier, not quite as heatheny, and just little less sheathed than when they arrived.

Just another remarkable performance for the growing legend that is Tim Tebow.

(H/T: Wizard of Odds)

Labels: Feel Good Stories, Florida, Longest Headline Ever

Here is the word I received from ASU athletics. I was hoping for some more specific information, but this nebulous clarification will have to suffice:

Thank you for your email regarding our cheer program. We want to clarify the changes we have made.

We are not eliminating our cheer program. We are strengthening our presentation. Our game experience is centered around several organizations that help create our in game environment. We have decided to combine the strengths of these organizations under one central leadership group thereby creating a unified spirit squad. This will help to enhance the communication and coordination of these entities. By practicing together, sharing common goals, and increasing communication, we will be enhancing the game experience for our fans. We hope that our current members will tryout for our spirit squad.

The focus of our program is on the fan experience at athletic events. We have also been concerned with safety issues that have been well documented throughout the NCAA over the past few years. Our spirit squad will continue to promote school spirit, perform and support the athletic programs at Arizona State University, and interact with the Sun Devil community. We appreciate the enthusiasm and contributions of our past and present cheer squad members. We look forward to the contributions of future members.

Thank you for taking the time to express your thoughts to us. We hope this clarifies our reasons and motivations for these decisions.


Sincerely,

Arizona State University Athletics

Labels: Cheerleading Goodness

I'm getting ready for a weekend getaway for San Diego. After writing two entire posts this week, I think I'm deserving of a break.

My previous weekend roadtrip was to the Phoenix/Tempe area- home of spring baseball, about a half dozen Hooters, and the Arizona State cheer team. Or maybe not. According to some reports, the cheer squad might be in the process of being disbanded, possibly as retribution (tho I'm skeptical) for some photos that surfaced on the internet.(HT: With Leather):





I like how this was the lead story for the nine o'clock news- and they showed every picture in the "controversial" photoset. Gotta love Fox. Also, it's hard to tell if cheer is being eliminated altogether or just being restructured. If the new team is being modeled after the SC Song Girls (Contrary to anchor John Hook's words, UCLA does have both a cheer and a dance squad, which features more elaborate choreography and costuming than SC. But he is right that they look good in their uniforms.), it won't be the worst possible development.

It's also interesting that one cheerleader describes The Dirty as "insignificant," but then goes on to describe it as a way to "ruin people's lives." Very astute. Usually, it takes about ten years out of college before you realize that your life being ruined really isn't that significant afterall.

I'm trying to get some clarification from some people within ASU, but it's a Friday on a college campus; so I don't expect anyone to be awake before noon.

Labels: Cheerleading Goodness